The Beverly Hillbillies

Listen to a story about a man named Jed a poor Mountaineer but he kept his family feed.

Then one day he was shouting for some food a mist shot proved a spell of crude. Crude that is Oil. The next thing you know old Jed’s a millionaire and kin folk said “Jed you got move away from here,California is the place you got to be!So they packed up the truck and moved to Beverly Swimming Pools Movie Stars. 

These lyric started in my head  I saw the sign saying  Tour Hollywood and Beverley Hills. I thought why not.   As  if I had twitched my noise like Samantha in Bewitched. A  Spanish American was trying to lure me into a waiting Limo.

“Come on sir, see where the stars live for just $50 Us.”  A seasoned traveller would check with the hotel concierge first.  I had been caught by street hawkers before hotel price was nearly half. I said "Let's have a flyer and I will get back to you!" 

"okay if you got right now you can have it for $40." pushed the Hawker.

"No No I will let you know." understand I was firm.

I started to walk away  I had promised Miss Gothic New York State we would met outside American Apparel in 20 minutes. She conceded to drop down a level in the boots.  

"Sir  I will write down."  handed me a card. Scribbled special price $40. 

Amey appeared still with the 2ltr Water Bottle. 

Gringo Tour salesman assumed that Amey was my wife, also both English. 

"No No" Amey feel straight in “I am form New York.”  forgot to add the state I noticed, my Australian anecdote ignored.

I said “Do you want to do a tour.” Ignoring the persistent  guide.

“Weeeeeeeeeeeelllllllll How much is it?”

“Ah for you two English, I make special price” was heard.

“I’m from Australia”

“ Oh many Australian Peoples loves my tours”

Battering is not my style "How much for two?".

"I give two tickets and throw in Rodeo Drive for $80."

You cant bullshit a bullshitter. I said “That sill $40 each!” then used my two finger hand signal “$60 for us both and we go now!”

Handed over the $60 from my wallet thinking another $100 gone.

“Okay Ozzzie’s you be back here in half an hour we go 3.30”

Grrrh, I thought we were going now.

An embarrassed  Amey informs me she has no money and cant pay me back.

 I said “Oh buy me a drink or something at the hotel”. It  would be more fun with company.

Amey relived about the financial outcome then informed “Oh I have to go back to the hotel to let Michelle in first.”

I must have had a puzzeled look on my face as Amey advised another Sexy Hair Educator was flying in and sharing her room with her. Oh well life changes can be fun cant they.

After the shoe disaster I then took control “You go back to the Hotel then let what's her name in, and I am going to go back to Sketcher’s and check out the runners.” 

Back at Sketcher’s I was bombarded by Sales Assistants if you purchased three pair you got the third pair free. Well I was right into it. Found a brilliant pair of runners or should we say walkers, a groovy pair of sneakers, and my third pair was going to be a gift for new born Chelsea Russo Dalton, Lousies New Baby. Then confronted with the fact my foot was to big for anything I selected. The rather pushy sales girl tried to squeeze my big foot into a ½ size smaller advising of the stretch factor. No Way Hozey I looked at my watch and had 5 minutes to join the tour. I said “Thanks Girls this is not going to work.” 

Crossing Hollywood Bolovarde outside the Kodak Theatre, I saw Amey with a short woman dressed in standard hairdresser garb black thight t shirt stretched over massive bosoms and of course tradional black camel lip stretched trousers with flares and rubber platform black boots. I thought oh here comes Lilly Munster and Eddie. I was soon given an arm swing introduction to Michelle. Umm, I have this bad habit of naming people,she looked more like a Debbie. 

The Tour guide appeard and directed us to the bus. Michelle was also walking with us. Amey turned to her and said “Its $30 hoooooneeey”. I could see the look the Muse’s face and bingo “$30” was quarked out.

“No No $50 “ form the Gringo .

I shrugged my shoulders and Amey fanged up a great gothic look indeed.“Well were not going give us our money back”

“No Refunds Lady look at youra receipta it quote…”

Michelle interjected with “I am not paying $50” 

Luckly the Gringo then retreated and took Michell’s  30 bucks. Just as a big limo pulled up. Amey went to grab the passenger door.

“No No “ waved the Gringo.

He then pointed to this Blue Truck with lounges in the back and already ½ full of people. I laughed as Vampira Amey jumped in the front and I gave the new Muse a nudge up into the back of the truck. 

The driver then arrived and was also of latin decent and accent. It was an unusal accent sort American Drawling, with Spanish Dialetic and a parculiar English Rounding. “Ladies and Gentlemen welcome aboard,  I want you to know that we don’t get a salary for what we do so when we finish the tour your tip is my income!’

My eyes then went to a sign quoting tips for the guide rated on what you thought of the tour.Gosh what a cheek. Oh well my two tour compardrees would not being offering a tip Amey broke and Michelle not happy about paying the fare. I would think about it I decided.

 The bus takes off, with a kangaroo jump and surging occupents, around the block we go and down Sunset of the famous Sunset Strip  to see a Car Wash. Location for the  movie Car Wash. “Working at the Car Wash Yeah Car Wash” .

Then we cross Hollywood Blovarde and waiting at lights whats smack bang infront of us the Direcct Shoe Warehouse, it was up not down the street.  I dug Amey in the ribs.

Sunset Strip seems to go forever first up the famous Laugh Factory, were a lot of stand up comedy is born its graudates include Laugh In etc. To reinforce my thought that Sunset Strip must have been a Hollywood a thoroughfare 8000 Sunset-strip pops up a massive apartment complex. The whole strip is a mecca for advertising with bill boards everywhere. You really do notice that Hollywood is in a valley as you see more hills on route to Beverley Hills. 

Then the famous Chateau Marmont surprisingly the American’s had captured a European look with this one in the valley. Its featured in many films over the years and a star hang out, couldn’t see any from the bus.

Then Tiffany a bit of shock as the Tirrany’s I have visted over the years have been much more glamours settings. Tiffany is right on the Sunset Strip. The penny dropped everybody drives up to everything. That’ s why Tiffany looked more like a Super Centre than Chic Boutique like. 

The famous Saddle Ranch Bar Chop House at 8377 Sunset. The Saddle Ranch is used in lots of westerns, it has manquies positioned to give it that best little whore house effect.  Next the House Blues Bar home of  the Jazz enthusiast. Look right and you see The Comedy Store. As we drive amazed we are still on Sunset and constucton is well covered with posters as big as the multi story buildings. .We are informed that the rich and famous like to dine at Cucinia Italianan Pizzeria, and you can star watch there no problem. Now to our left is the famous Viper Room, of course reminded of Johnny Deep story. A little further down the track is the Wisky a Go Go a favourite hang out for the stars on a night out. Funny how the billboard above is promoting the Nip and Tuck Series. 

 Star Spotting now starts as we pull up out side Sand Towers the home of controversial Lindsay Lohen  cant see her and of course we are not told which floor she is shacked up on. In the forest hill we see a rather beautiful Country Lodge looking home set way back from the road but quiet visible this is the house they use for such movies like the God Father  lots of horrors, a sand store English type of residence. 

Next up is Tom Crusise’s new pad and big brick wall surrounds the property is that Katie up there mowing the lawn. Then just around the corner from Tom and Katie’s is a glimpse of  Beck’s and Posh’s new pad, Vicotria obviously has help with those window’s high up on the hill, gosh I bet soccer balls fly over those walls when Dave's in practice.

Just around the corner is a house with a car park of new Bentleys if I was mistaken you think to yourself this must be the Marfia Pad. No it’s the home of the Guest Label not bad for jeans and watch’s. So then we are off to Bel Air and that's another blog...